Saturday, April 13, 2013

My Success Isn't Your Success


Get rid of the stuff that's weighing me down.

Where did all this stuff come from, anyhow??



I've come to this strange point in my life where I realize that all the things I thought were completely separate – my belongings, the state of my house, the clothes I wear, my concern (or lack) about my health, my self esteem, my job, my finances and my history – all of these things are intimately connected to one another. 

The long and short of it is this – when you tie your definition of yourself and your success to other people's opinions, you tie yourself up in things you cannot control. You let yourself get caught up in looking better, richer, smarter, more successful than the next guy. You concentrate on achieving a 'success' that has been sold to you and lose track of what is actually important to you.

I am a thirty-five-year-old overweight, divorced, uncommitted woman in America. For a long time, this felt like something that I needed to overcome. Somehow, this combination of external facts meant I had to prove to my co-workers and friends that I was still successful, even though I fall outside the norm for my age and gender. And I proved it, in part, with stuff. With clothes and a big screen TV, expensive taste in wine, and a habit of going out for pricey 'girls' nights'.

I didn't set out with a goal to dig myself into debt, or to live beyond my means. It happened over time, with small decisions designed to fit the 'me' I thought I needed to be. First, to be a good wife. Then, to assuage my guilt by taking on all of our debt when I left the marriage. Later, I wanted to show that I was fine. I was divorced, I was in debt, but I was doing just fine, thank you. Just look at my stuff! 


The sense of 'success' I get when I listen to external forces is based on what I have, not who I am. This is based on conversations I overhear in the grocery store, at the water cooler, the surprise in people's eyes and their determination to pair me off when I tell them I'm single. More broadly, it's magazines, TV shows, commercials that tell me my house needs to be bigger and cleaner and in a better neighborhood, my car needs more gadgets. I need a husband, two children and a suburban neighbor who waves at me as I leave for work. All of this, just to be a 'normal', middle class American. 

I didn't buy in on purpose. But it was everywhere. All of these quiet rules seeped into my unconscious when I wasn't looking: 

Women my age do yoga. They eat well. They pair up and are in fulfilling relationships. They have cars and money and jobs and time to clean their beautiful, airy houses. 


They have it all figured out. 

Pick up a magazine designed for a woman my age, and you'll find tips for home upkeep and makeup that makes you look young. How to lose weight. Finding more time and balancing your checkbook. Spicing up your sex life. 


Don't get me wrong – a lot of those things are relevant. But they also serve to remind me that I'm not thin enough, I'm starting to get wrinkles, and I don't have that problem 'everyone' has with their partner, because I don't have one. 

All that being said, once I realized that this was how I was getting programmed, I was able to start stepping back and deciding what success looked like for me

And that has lead me here, to this journey where who I am is more important than what I have. Where a night at home with friends is just as fulfilling as a night at the wine bar. Where (maybe) less books, clothes, gadgets...stuff...maybe less is more. Maybe it's time to concentrate on being a better person, and less on looking like a better person. 

I don't have it all figured out. But I've decided that the energy I've spent trying to hide that uncertainty is probably better spent actually...you know, figuring

This kind of success isn't the easy kind, served up by commercials and magazines and neighbors and coworkers. But that's what makes it worthwhile.

My success isn't your success, and your neighbor's success isn't my success, either. Not only that, but my success now won't be my success a year from now. It is evolving with me. And that is what makes it so hard to define, and so exciting to work toward.

What does your success look like?

2 comments:

  1. This is actually a thing I've been dealing with for a long time. I've spent a lifetime with the perception that other people think I haven't lived up to my potential. It's only in the past few years that I've really started to accept that the conventional definition of success means little to me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, yes, feeling like I've disappointed other people (or like they're gloating because I didn't do X) has a been a problem for me for ages! It's crazy that we can get so caught up in other people's opinions...and not even realize it!

    I keep finding things or beliefs I never realized I don't need or want...I have a feeling this is a lifelong battle. But even knowing that I need to fight it is a big deal.

    It's so good to know that other people are dealing with this, too!

    ReplyDelete